Dear Friends,
Actually, many days are like this, and I’m sure each of you have your own version: nothing really bad is happening, and, relative to many in the world, I’m very aware that my life is actually very good. Hey, who can argue with running water, central heating, hot water on tap, and a clean (enough) indoor toilet? But I just don’t feel well enough to do anything on either my to-do list or my wanna-do list. Holding my head up feels like too much effort; anywhere you point to on my body, it hurts.
What I find the most frustrating is that I feel that so much time is taken by dealing with all my health issues, and time is what I feel most starved of. Again, I know that relative to many in the world. . . . etc. I know. I know. My problems may be the ones I feel the closest, but I know I’m not the only one who ever suffers. It’s the frustration of hours going by, though, where I’m waiting to feel just a little bit better before trying to do anything else besides “cope,” where it seems I just can’t get on with my life, that is one of my biggest challenges. I know I need to accept that this IS my life: that it’s just going to take time to deal with my dear body. Maybe it’s the exuberance (and often good health) of youth that is the source of my feeling entitled to not having to think too terribly much about physical needs. Maybe it’s the female socialization that I’m supposed to take care of others instead of myself. Give me a day or two and I could write you a long essay on all of the understandable reasons I feel frustrated. (On second thought, make that a week or so. . . ) None of this is new, and there aren’t any new insights. Yet I still feel like I’m a strong horse straining: LET ME RUN!!!
I’m a little embarrassed that I can’t seem to accept this gracefully. It’s not like I haven’t had time to — it’s been many years, now, that my body hasn’t been able to cooperate with what I want to do, or feel I ought to do. Always more layers of shoulds and oughts to unravel, and more inquiries of “How do I deal with this creatively?” I mean, really, if there is a mystery we call God who is calling me to do something, it’s not like this mystery doesn’t know I have these difficulties —- so I can’t be called to do something I can’t do. And if there is no mystery we call God, then there is no call. So why, after all this time, after all this work, can’t I accept all this with some grace?
Well, it’s not the only question I have no answer for. So, we carry on.
Thanks for reading my little rant,
Cat
Mysteries Unfolding with Cat Charissage 
Sigh…….Many of us feel this post daily and the answers leave us frustrated. Coming to accept the reality of our circumstances is a challenge. Here is a question for you: Must we accept it? Maybe part of our growth is non-acceptance of these challenges. Maybe we are to continue to fight and move forward. Maybe it is that energy of non-acceptance
that actually keeps us living when we feel at our worst. I don’t know but for now making peace with my situation includes wrestling with it a bit. Thanks for sharing. You are definitely not alone:)
That’s a good question, Karina: Must we accept it? I think maybe I’d use a different metaphor. I don’t think we’re meant to “fight and move forward;” however, I do know keeping living when we are feeling at our worst is a type of battle, for sure.
For me, I think in terms of a vision for how I want to live. If not for the vision of being a nurturing mother, I wonder if I would have had the strength to stay alive in the chronicity and never-ending-ness, of ongoing pain and finding out that there are even more ways for a body to hurt than you had known only a month before. My vision of being a nurturing mother doesn’t include checking out while my child is not grown old enough or wise enough to understand this kind of adult dilemma.
I also have a vision of living with “grace and wisdom” (whatever that is; my understanding of that changes rather regularly!) To live with grace means for me accepting reality but also moving deeply within it in order to change it, change my attitude, and/or create some meaning where before there felt like only chaos.
One question I’m dancing with is whether we need to “do” all that we all do everyday. Because I’m not bed-ridden, I still have lots of choices of where I spend my energy everyday. I don’t have absolute choice, but at least some. Can I increasingly just say “no, thank you” to all sorts of things that make me feel worse, if only a little tiny bit worse? Can I think of ways to (lovingly) finish the sentence “I don’t do ______.” Just yesterday I said “no, thank you” to an ongoing conflict with my son. One could say I “gave up”, but I think I just said “no, thank you” to continued stress.
There is more to think about here. Thank you for commenting, Cat