My refuge has ever been the solidity of the world that is right here, its beauty created by Greater, and the world that is often not seen by those who have been blinded in various ways.
I have doubted some humans deeply, for evil truly walks right into some persons in this world, but I have never doubted, not even in my darkest griefs, never doubted those who have in those times been ‘the friend to the friendless’ me. I’ve not been swayed away from the sacred reality of los angelitos o santitos o antepasados, o ancianas or el Dio o La Diosa. I am clear that there is suffering and ways and means of our world that none of us can comprehend, and sometimes not mediate, at least not by ego that seeks causality.
I have never assigned being ‘saved’ from sorrow, nor to be given joy, nor needing a miracle via my belief in Creator. I grew up amongst the literally tortured, prisoners of war and the ethnically cleansed/ survivors of eye witness murder of their kith and kin. It could be said Where was G-d then? Why did G-d allow so many innocent people to be harmed all the way from Eu, to New Guinea, to Japan, to the Aussies, the NZs, the Mexicans, Central and South Americans, the Balkans to Russia, throughout Asia, to the island groups and more….
I only can offer this in answer.. In the famiily, the old people, the old, scarred up, torn apart, cheated, lied to, starved and beaten people, their farmlands and fishing rivers taken from them, sent into slave labor… they said that the enemy was always bellowing that “G-d was with them.” They said that was wrong. That G-d does not choose sides. BUT, my old people, my poor dear old people, said more important is that WE are with Creator. We are. With. Creator. That that was our truth. And I find it so Cat.
I am not sure Cat that ‘not being sure’ is a sign of anything other than being a dear human being. As you know from your long, faithful immersion with me as my learner, I have a category in my heart called “God’s business.” All my not knowing mysterious matters of sudden twists of fate, tragedy, abject and relentless suffering, goes to G-d, for I am far too unable in and of myself to understand, in part because I have to/ must save the instrument, care for the gift I carry, so I can strive to fulfill my callings in our world.
My dark night of the soul, la noche oscura, came not from G-d, nor from separation from G-d. It came from humans’ relentless dedication to destroying my gift, my life, my sense of selfhood, my child spirit, my heart…
and in my jagged fall-down, muddy efforts to run for freedom, the arms I ran toward when there were none to hold me, were those belonging to Greater.
Im feel pretty certain we were all born to love, to care, to minister to. I hear/see/sense that imperative as not coming from human beings, but from Creator, La Señora y otros of the angelic realm.
I would ask you Cat to consider that that is your true home also, and that there is, for many of our world, some confusion about where true Home really is. The overculture, as you know, along with cruel haphazard people, have often done a number on persons remembering where they came from, and in whose name, and why.
To me, Cat, faith, fe/ as in santa fe/ holy or even St. Faith, is not exactly something we ‘have.’ It is more so, a Someone, a force we walk with, that we learn from, that we question in order to learn about Home. True. Home. And how to bring aspects of True Home here to Earth where memory and cleaving to such, is often so healing and sturdyfying– each in her own way, each in his own way, as is most loving and most effective both.
You know me: I am not a fatuous person. I’m a pragmatic and a mystical being both. I recommend both, as you thread your way through Cat. Both. Two worlds held together make a third place to stand. That third place is where we can say we know certain things without wavering about. At last.
Hope that helps a bit, and we can talk more too and with others as well, because what you bring up is germane to many, esp in our overculture’s overreach, in not allowing people to blossom but instead telling them how it all has to be, or else.
To me the subject is fraught only because often how ‘faith and knowing’ is taught is fragemented, or just dead inaccurate, or else trivialized into some rote exercise. It isnt Cat, it is the living G-d come to dinner, not as guest, but/and as familiare, our relative, close “close-in” relative.